Life

Adjust. Not an easy task. A scary task. Returning home there is always the fear that what I have experienced will disappear, that I will go back to my normal life, and that I will not have let it change me.

So for the first few days I cling to what is behind, I struggle, I walk numbly through my familiar life, not sure what to feel. Then all to quickly, I adjust and life is "Normal". A cursed word.

 But then a week has passed, and I feel enormous emotion tugging at my heart. What of the people I met? What of the things I saw and did? Will I allow them to mean nothing? Yet I find the most difficult struggle for me is living in what feels like a separate reality. How can such two different worlds exist on one planet? How can I live in this world and remember Africa when it feels like a dream b/c it is so far disconnected from my life in America.
And people ask why, why would anyone want to visit or live in such a place as Africa. Sometimes I cannot help but feel disgusted. I know I ought to have more grace, what people do not understand, they cannot be blamed for. And yet I am disgusted. I am disgusted with America in some ways, with the lifestyle we live, with the fact that we think we "Deserve" the best, that we are entitled to the best life has to offer.

We live in but a bubble of real life, and yet when tragedy hits us, when reality reaches its hand and shakes our little bubble, we dare to ask why. What gives us the right to complain? What gives any human being the right to complain? We deserve nothing. Perhaps I am being unfair to Americans, not all Africans are innocent of this I am sure, but the difference is that in a culture where the people have nothing, they find many things to be grateful for, whereas in a culture where we have everything, we complain constantly, and look down on those who live in such depths of poverty as though there could be nothing worse.
What is a house but bricks or wood? What is food but something to keep us alive, sustain our bodies? What is all of our extravagances except distractions from real people and real relationships? We have become so consumed by things that we have deceived ourselves into thinking that is what makes life good, enjoyable, comfortable.
I fear that even I may have deceived myself. While in Africa I asked myself: 'Could I live here? Without Chick-fil-a and easy internet access, without my creature comforts?' But then I returned home, and I realized that I really didn't miss them that much, because all they are is "things", things that will not make any difference in eternity. My money, my security, my books, my clothes, etc... I have put too much value on those things. God asks us to give all for His kingdom, to help the widows and orphans, to love people, to spread the good news. How can I do those things if my focus is on 'things'? 

Convicting thoughts God has spoken to me. But anyone can know these things, the hard part is what I am asking myself, what will you "do"? Because faith without actions is dead. Words are meaningless without someone to shout them.